How to Eat Pizza

  1. Order pizza. Way too much pizza for one person. Don’t forget dessert.
  2. While waiting for pizza, watch that episode of that show that you kind of like and mostly hate, but for some reason have seen half a dozen times already.
  3. Nap.
  4. Wake up and realize pizza still has not arrived. Furiously re-start previously watched episode from where you dozed off. Repeat two to three times.
  5. When the delivery guy does finally arrive (you forgot to confirm the order), untangle your legs from the various sheets, dirty clothes, and other take-out containers that have now become like a second blanket on your bed. Slide out of bed, slug-like, to the door.
  6. Stare at the pizza, stare at yourself in the reflection of your window, stare back at the pizza.
  7. Note how unappetizing the food is-like thick layers of Elmer’s glue brushed onto a used sponge that needs replacing. Eat until you’re beyond stuffed.
  8. Have dessert.
  9. Spend some time in front of the mirror. Pop the zits on your unwashed face.
  10. Nap.
  11. Go out (just once today) to feel the exhaustive isolation of the city surround you. Stomp around chain smoking, letting the cold air sting your nose hairs until, having stomped through too many puddles, you face an autopsy that reads “Cause of death: Indulgence in Depression, complicated by pneumonia.”
  12. Go home and write an angry blog entry.
  13. Order pizza.

**Originally published on TwentysomethingNYC on February 3, 2015**

How to Eat Pizza

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